I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I deserve this hangover.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
