guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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