We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
