from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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