i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
