Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm getting married
To pizza
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
