I looked at my own cervix.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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