Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
