when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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