I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
