I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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