You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
