I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
