if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
