Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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