Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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