you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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