Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
