Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
