youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
