Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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