ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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