I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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