Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
