My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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