My friends, they love my intelligence
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
