Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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