Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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