Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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