i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
