Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
