RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
