I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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