question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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