Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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