I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize