woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
