So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Watching her eat just hurts me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
