I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
