I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
