i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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