i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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