and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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