I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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