What did we do last night that was yellow?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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