I'm jealous of your bromance
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm like, not good at living.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
