why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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