I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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