insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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