On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
