Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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