Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
