don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
